Grilled Cheese or Lunchables

You can definitely say that I'm one of those girls who has "dreamt about her wedding day since she was three", or fantasized about having "the greatest love anyone's ever seen", but I think getting there is going to be a big challenge in itself.

Lately, I've had a small problem with something called trust.

I swear. Every time I fall into those stupid little things called "relationships," from day one- I beg the guy not to break my heart. Cause yeah, I'm not going to end up marrying everyone I date, but things can still end civilly, right?

Wrong.

Biggest, most monstrous WRONG you could ever even imagine.

Apparently my heart is a magnent. To the bottom of guys shoes. Not only do they step on it, but I'm pretty sure they jump on it, run it over with their 4-wheelers, chew on it, or do whatever it is exactly that guys do... beats me.

I'm not trying to whine. I'm simply trying to say, I wish my heart was the same little "3-year old wishing heart" that it used to be.

My sister and her hub went to Austria. Lucky..

They asked me to babysitt while they were gone.

So I've been with their two little girls (Aleah-5 & Kallee-3) for the past five days now.

It's so funny how little kiddies always open your eyes to the bigger things in life.

The things that they have no clue about..

Life has been so easy with them. They have nothing to worry about except which jellie shoes to wear, the daily battle between grilled cheese or lunchables, whos turn it is to say the prayer, or whether to watch Incredibles or Princess and the Frog.

And the best thing is, these little nuggets get over things in like .02 seconds after they get off the "time-out bench". They dont keep track of who tattled on them, who pinched them, or who broke their little hearts... They dont seek for revenge or hold onto grudges for days, months, or years.. They dont try to avoid things that could potentially be GREAT, just because one time it didn't work out.

They simply move on.

And that's exactly what hit me today. Just because one (or maybe five) people may have razored my heart to shreds, doesn't mean I shouldn't trust another. And another. And another. Because one of these days.. One of those "potential heart breaks" will end up being my best friend and soulmate.

Yesterday my mom said to me, "Lauren, it's better to have love and lost love, than to have never loved at all." I've heard that saying a million times before.. but I've never really thought about it until now. Growing up is all about breaking hearts and getting yours broken in return. It's about learning to see the beauty after weeks of crying over a silly boy. It's about figuring out exactly who you are and exactly what you need. It's about gaining your innocence back and dreaming the same way you did when you were 3. Its understanding that whether you picked a grilled cheese or a lunchable, the world keeps turning. It never stands still long enough for us to take back our decisions. So soak it all up. The good AND the bad.. Because even if you're afraid like me sometimes, nothing is worth missing the greatest things in life.

Rectangle Heart

Some people fit just perfectly in your heart like the shapes in that little square box you used to play with when you were a kid, ya know? The one where you had to put the right shape in the right hole? And once your 4 year old mind manages to fit them in, they get stuck, and are nearly impossible to get out without pinching your fingers off..?

I've found that some people in your life are the same way. From the time you meet them, they somehow manage to squeeze their way into your heart. Whether your heart is the kind that has teeny tiny little openings that are hard to get through, or big gaping holes that almost anyone could walk right in and out of. They find a way. Those BUGGERS.

You dont always plan on it. And that is what's so great about loving other people. You may not choose them, and the fact is that technically- they may not choose you. But either way- sometimes they get in. And you cant get them out (unless of course, you want to have two nubs for fingers the rest of your life).

Tonight I was thinking of all of the different people I know. And how much room I really had left in my heart for new-comers. And how forgiveness is a huge part of our growing experience here on earth. And even when those buggers do something to hurt your or make you mad, it's not like they instantly turn to dust, or melt into lava and just leak right out of your heart. They are there to stay.

And I'm glad for that. Because even when you're upset with someone you love- you can trust that your heart will always have a spare bedroom for them to stay in. Probably forever.

Got RESOLVE?

Last night when I was skyping with one of my wonderful friends Justin he asked me, "how much resolve do you think you have?" Let me just say this first, Justin is in dental school at UCLA, so of course I don't want to make myself look like a fool in front of him. Not having ANY IDEA what "resolve" was, I answered, "I think I have a pretty normal amount". I'm sure he could tell that I was making that up, so he proceeded to tell me exactly what resolve was, and that he'd been working on having more of it. So for all of you fellow, young, freshly graduated freshman year of college kiddies, who might not know what RESOLVE means, let me tell ya.

Resolve is following through with the things you say you'll do. Resolve is making goals and working hard until you accomplish them. Let me give you a couple examples that many of you will be able to relate with: Staying on diets until you actually lose the amount of weight that you wanted to from the beginning. Having a 4.0 your entire college career. Providing service for others. Studying for at least an hour every day. Learning how to cook at least one new meal every couple weeks for your family. Start training for a marathon. Building a shed in the backyard by the end of the summer. Getting into medical school. The list could go on forever..

But talk is cheap, and good intentions are only that- INTENTIONS.

How many times have you set a goal, and as soon as you screw it up, you completely give up on it? Having strong resolve means you push through the failures and get back on your original track. People with strong resolve are easier to trust, are more reliable, and are more successful.

So I really thought about what he told me. Am I person with a weak or strong resolve? I always find myself saying, "k, but no really- THIS time I'm gonna follow through with it". But I should never have to say that. I need to follow through with my goals the first time so I can learn from them, and move onto the next one in the book. I don't want to be working on the same goals throughout my entire life. I want to progress instead of being stuck in the same relative stage.

Besides that, how useless do you feel every time you leave a desire undone. And there's no one to blame besides yourself. And how much do you dread starting over on something that you were, at one point, half-way done with?

So starting today, I am going to start working on my resolve. And that in itself, is a goal. A goal that I want to come out on top of.

D&C 58: 27 "Verily I say men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness".

Yo Summmer,

THIS IS WHATS TRUE:


I was terrified of you. I saw you coming from a hundred miles away and I just sat and waited for you to hit like an angry tornado, ready to tear apart my life. I didn't know how I'd handle you and I didn't really know if I could. But that's the beauty of life eh? You take every thing one day at a time and sometimes, just sometimes, you realize that you love the things that you never knew you'd be able to.

• You forced me to move back in with my parents. Thank you for that. I get to wake up to breakfast every morning with my dad, I get to talk with my mom in bed every night for at least an hour, I get the pleasure of free laundry, I get the scenic view of Heber from my balcony, I get to play Halo with Devin more than I ever want to, and I get to take baths in DECENT sized bathtubs.

• I am on the road more than anywhere else. Me and my car have become great friends. I take care of her and she takes care of me. I've also fallen in love even more with John Mayer due to the amount of time he spends serenading me. August 31st couldn't come any sooner.

• I figured out that I've taken so many things for granted the past 19 years of my life. Things have changed, and my heart is one of them.

• I've met more people from Bountiful region than I think I've ever met in Heber my whole life. Okay, not really.. but seriously-so many. A few key people to name: Nicole Booth. Chris Jepsen.

• They walk you to your car. They open your door. They make sure you get home safe. They surprise visit you. They appreciate homemade cookies.They think you ARE what you're worth. They are genuine guys. They are rare and hard to find, but you helped me remember that they're out there.

• Due to the amount of time I spend alone, I am allowed quite a bit of time to ponder. It's my new middle name, Lauren PondeRuth Brown. New conclusions and goals have recently inhabited my mind. One being that I want to go on a mission. Two being that I want to go to medical school after I get my X-ray degree. Profession: still contemplating.

• I love studying. Yes, sometimes I complain. But don't let that fool you.

• I miss my friends. We're all figuring out our lives, taking different routes to get to our goals, and it the madness of it all, I barely see them. Thank goodness for vid chat, texting, facebook, and 2 hour phone calls. I love technology. I do.

• I have an income? Those words are still exciting to my little ears! It's been a whole year since I've worked. But my job now= funnest, most entertaining, beneficial job I've ever had. Things I've learned how to do: Give shots, put in an IV, draw blood, throat swabs, pelvic exams (k....not the best part of my job), blood labs, suture removal, and x-rays.

• Your sun isn't doing its job, but its alright. Because last time it did- I GOT FRIED. And I love the rain.

• Group dates are genius. Not only for the purposes of getting to know the guy, but new GIRLS! I'm soooo fetchin excited to go back up to USU and put these new friendships into motion.

All-in-all, summer: You have been an amazing growing experience, and very satisfying. Youre kinda like a piece of steak, ya know? Kinda rough, hard to get through at times, but SO worth every bit of energy I've spent on you.

And I'm sure that you have nothing but goodness left to offer to me. So I'll be here. Just waiting for your next revelation. Do your worst.

I wont.

I have this... sickness. That rolls around about every 6 months in my life. And naturally, it always decides to come around at the most inconvenient times.

Things got really tough today so my mom took me in for another treatment. As I lay in the hospital bed, I couldn't help but feel grateful. I have parents who take such good care of their children, no matter what the cost. I have friends who jump at the opportunity to help. I have a God who comforts me through trying times. I have a knowledge of things that I wouldn't trade for anything. I literally have everything I need.
And all of those things are gifts. They weren't earned, they were given.

Life is so precious. I can't stand the thought of wasting one minute of it being sad, ungrateful, upset, jealous, bitter, or regretful.

Because that is nothing but baggage, folks. And the adversary loooves to weigh us down like pack mules.


So.. I don't think I will. Actually, scratch that. I WONT.

....come out of the question and BE.

I have a recent obsession with this song. Mostly because I've had a recent obsession with the meaning of these lyrics.

p.s. youre gonna have to stop my music at the bottom of the page to listen to it.

A little snippet of love.

So let me just tell you something that makes MY HEART MELT:

A father's love for his child.

Today while at work, the door swung open, and my ears instantly began ringing. This 2 year old little boy had the loudest cry I've ever heard. So I jumped up from my seat to help them. They were assuming that his arm was broken.
I asked what happened and they explained, "he is a daddy's boy. And his dad had to leave and he wanted to go with. When he couldn't, he threw a fit and somehow wacked his arm on something".
So I took his vitals and carried him over to x-ray. (Don't worry that it took me at least ten minutes to get this munchkins temperature. He doesn't like the doctors.)
In the mean-time, his dad showed up. You can't even imagine how happy the little one was. And me. I was happy too. Because apparently I wasn't his favorite person in town..
So his dad held him while we took a couple of x-rays. After they were done developing, the doctor came in the room to have a look. So I took a step back and just watched.

I WISH you could've seen what I saw.
The way this father was stroking his little boys face. The look in his eyes. The way he held him. The way he rocked him in our swirly chair. My words will never be able to do it justice. But it's just one of those things that GETS ME. It was all so delicate.
I could've stood there for hours and just watched. Maybe because you don't see men do things like that very often. Or see them publicly caring about another person that much. It's just so..sweet. And I love it.

Days like today help me remember that it's the little things that help make up the big picture.