Cant. Quite. Reach.

So... I guess it's true. I guess I didn't lie in my English paper when I said, "I always post a blog when I'm distressed, confused, bitter, or let down". Cause here I am. Posting a blog because I realized I have a serious problem. Actually, I've definitely always known it. It isn't new news. But I finally got over the whole, "no no no, I am not in denial about my issues" thing. So this is me, admitting to world that I, Lauren Brown, always want to be where I am not. I always want what I can't have. And it's ridiculous. It's hurting me.

There are days that I live in the moment, times when I love everything around me. When I feel like my heart is bursting with gratitude, realizing that life couldn't get any better.

But there are way too many times where I want something merely because it is barely out of my reach. WHYYYYYYYY. Why am I like that? I realize that everyone says things like, "Oh, you only want to date him because he is untouchable," or "you don't even like that dress, you just think other people will". But hi- guess what? It's overrated. Because you get what you get, and you LOVE IT. Or at least you should. But how do you change your mindset to believing that? If anyone has some advice, please feel free to give it to me.

I think I will start with this. I have everything I could ever need. Not only to survive, but to make me happy. I have this family... OH man, this family. They are beyond perfect. Friends that I lalahhhuuve. And a plan. I know where I came from, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. Everything else should fall into place in its own due time, correct? Someone once made me this promise: "If you live your life accordingly to His will, even with some mistakes along the way, the blessings of heaven will be yours." I think it was the Savior. Yeah, it definitely was. And even though I've seen quite a few broken promises in my day, I haven't lost trust in Him. He is the one person that will always come through. That I can trust wont tell anyone else about all my stupid flaws and mistakes. I am grateful for that.

And that is one thing that I will always aaaalways want, even though I already have it. Go figure.

Thanks to fall,

If I could live on through anything, it would be fall. I want others to find joy in me, dream of me when I'm gone, and feel anxious about the day that we'll meet again. Those are my exact feelings toward this short, sweet season. Whenever I see or feel the first signs of fall, I can't help but add a little skip to my step. Something inside of me feels different than it does any other time of year.

Everything about fall makes me want to be in love.

Maybe it's because ever since I was little, I've pictured my wedding in the fall.

I want to hold hands down a leaf covered, cracked sidewalk.

I want someone to tuck my hair behind my ear when the wind blows it across my face.

I want to hug someone and press my cold cheek next to theirs.

I want to hear everyone sniffle as they walk into class.

I want to pull out leaves from under my windshield wipers.

I want to wear a jacket with shorts.

As much as I wish it could be fall year round, the short period of time that it's here for is somehow special every year. I can't wait to see what this year has in store. Logan town is an exceptionally BEAUTIFUL place in the fall. And campus is gorgeous. Breath-taking, actually. I knew I came here for a reason.

And how appropriate that Thanksgiving is in fall.

I give all my thanks to fall..

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

"Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath"

Back in May I posted a bloggity about Ruth. My grams. If you haven't read it-here it is. It will help you understand why she is the most wonderful lady you could've ever known. She's been gone for almost 4 months exactly now and I will just say this... something has been missing for the past four months. She was wonder woman. She is me. Or I guess the proper thing to say

is that I am her. I don't think I've truly ever experienced the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone," until recently. I took her for granted. Terribly. Every day I wonder why I didn't make the 30 minute drive down the canyon more often. Why I didn't just swing by Macey's and pick her up a coke. Why I didn't go over more often just to let her build my self-confidence. I'll tell you why. Because I was a selfish teenage girl. I was preoccupied doing stupid little things that I will never remember.

But do you want to know an extremely happy story? I lost my grams beautiful ring last year... I wore it everyday and somehow I just lost it. It was absolutely terrible. But then. I was sitting in class a couple days ago, and since of course I'm in Logan and it's always freezing, I was wearing a jacket. I was listening to my teacher and I put my hands in my pocket. Without noticing, I had somehow grabbed the ring, put it on my finger without even thinking twice about it, and when I looked down a couple minutes later- THERE IT WAS. On my finger. Just wrapped around it like it'd never left. I may or may not have screamed with excitement during my teacher's lecture. He didn't appreciate that. But who cares. Cause this was bigger than any news he'd probably ever experienced.. Okay that's probably not true, but I'm trying to prove a point. You just don't understand how completely wonderful it felt to have it back. I mean.. it's just a ring. But it's not JUSTT a ring... It's the only thing I have left of her. I was so happy about it that I managed to tell almost every single person that I interacted with that day. It hasn't left my finger since.

Sometimes I think I blog because I hope God lets whoever it's addressed to, read it. So this is for you Grams:

I'm sorry I wasn't there more. I'm sorry for all the mean things I did when I was little. I'm sorry for a lot of things. But I'm also grateful for a lot of things. Thank you for being you and giving me my personality. Thank you for thinking I was the prettiest girl in the entire world when I had zero self-confidence. Thank you for that walk through the rose garden behind your house last summer. Thank you for teaching me how to decipher between good and bad guys. Thank you for the baby dolls you gave me on my sixteenth birthday. Thank you for raising my mom. Thank you for living in Utah for your last couple years even though you hated it so bad. Thank you for ALWAYS putting a smile on my face. Thank you for loving me.

I miss you terribly but I'm sure you're just as happy as can be right now. Lucky lady.

Happy birthday sweetheart, I'll be seein you..

P.s. How much do you hate having to admit that us mormons were right? You know it now huh huh!? Hahaha love you.

LIGHT.

You are what you always imagined you could be.

To see it, all you need, is to believe it. You're already illuminated.

So burn bright, the world needs your light.

What IT Is

"Snails see the benefit, the beauty in every inch"

I love when I'm able to see past the initial simplicity of life and into the multiple layers of importance surrounding me. You could call it my drug. My runners high. My narcotic, opiate, poison, pill, hit, or fix. It's something I live to find. And guess what? It isn't aaaaactually bad for me like a drug. It's rather healthy, I think.

It's about picking apart, assessing, and learning- or not le

arning- from every teeny tiny little situation that crosses your path.

It's about laughing by yourself all the way to Logan because you just made up the sweetest dance move.

It's about formally thanking the grape salad you just made, for the wonderful memories it's about to provide.

It's about walking backwards to class because it puts a smile on your face instead of a knot in your stomach because you have a test in 5 minutes.

It's about praying in your closet instead of next to your bed just because it says something like that in your scriptures.

It's about waking up to a grasshopper shadow on your window sill that makes you laugh hysterically at 7 a.m.

It's about making up a love story in your head for every cute couple you see walking down the sidewalk.

It's about smashing a glass bowl on your kitchen floor just because you want to know what it'd feel like to live in a soap opera.

It's about giving advice to someone else that you should have taken from yourself four months ago.

It's about doing your homework in the dirt in your backyard because there's nothing to distract

you.

It's a picture of your grandma next to your alarm clock, fake grass in your room because no other color of green is quite the same, hair stuck in your carpet to remind you of all the dates you got ready for right there, saving dishes with ugly flowers on them because they remind you of being six again, squishing the stray cat between your front door and screen door to make sure it never wants to come back, ironing every pair of pants because your dad never used to let you leave the house until you did, writing thank you cards for no reason at all, watching your best friend get ready so many times that you know the exact way she poses in the mirror before leaving for school, buying a candle that smells terrible because it matches your bedspread perfectly, making a path of paper towels to walk across on your freezing tile floor, crying to your mom every time you throw up just because you want to make sure someone knows how sick you feel, growing up but staying young...

It's about the little smirk that covers your face when you feel the sunlight on your back.

It's about loving someone so much that it makes your heart ache.

Whatever IT is, it makes me so gosh dang happy.

tell me its funny...