Happy Birthday Sweetheart

"Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath"

Back in May I posted a bloggity about Ruth. My grams. If you haven't read it-here it is. It will help you understand why she is the most wonderful lady you could've ever known. She's been gone for almost 4 months exactly now and I will just say this... something has been missing for the past four months. She was wonder woman. She is me. Or I guess the proper thing to say

is that I am her. I don't think I've truly ever experienced the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone," until recently. I took her for granted. Terribly. Every day I wonder why I didn't make the 30 minute drive down the canyon more often. Why I didn't just swing by Macey's and pick her up a coke. Why I didn't go over more often just to let her build my self-confidence. I'll tell you why. Because I was a selfish teenage girl. I was preoccupied doing stupid little things that I will never remember.

But do you want to know an extremely happy story? I lost my grams beautiful ring last year... I wore it everyday and somehow I just lost it. It was absolutely terrible. But then. I was sitting in class a couple days ago, and since of course I'm in Logan and it's always freezing, I was wearing a jacket. I was listening to my teacher and I put my hands in my pocket. Without noticing, I had somehow grabbed the ring, put it on my finger without even thinking twice about it, and when I looked down a couple minutes later- THERE IT WAS. On my finger. Just wrapped around it like it'd never left. I may or may not have screamed with excitement during my teacher's lecture. He didn't appreciate that. But who cares. Cause this was bigger than any news he'd probably ever experienced.. Okay that's probably not true, but I'm trying to prove a point. You just don't understand how completely wonderful it felt to have it back. I mean.. it's just a ring. But it's not JUSTT a ring... It's the only thing I have left of her. I was so happy about it that I managed to tell almost every single person that I interacted with that day. It hasn't left my finger since.

Sometimes I think I blog because I hope God lets whoever it's addressed to, read it. So this is for you Grams:

I'm sorry I wasn't there more. I'm sorry for all the mean things I did when I was little. I'm sorry for a lot of things. But I'm also grateful for a lot of things. Thank you for being you and giving me my personality. Thank you for thinking I was the prettiest girl in the entire world when I had zero self-confidence. Thank you for that walk through the rose garden behind your house last summer. Thank you for teaching me how to decipher between good and bad guys. Thank you for the baby dolls you gave me on my sixteenth birthday. Thank you for raising my mom. Thank you for living in Utah for your last couple years even though you hated it so bad. Thank you for ALWAYS putting a smile on my face. Thank you for loving me.

I miss you terribly but I'm sure you're just as happy as can be right now. Lucky lady.

Happy birthday sweetheart, I'll be seein you..

P.s. How much do you hate having to admit that us mormons were right? You know it now huh huh!? Hahaha love you.