Him and I. Chris and Lauren. Robins and Ruth. Mister and Misses.

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!! Somebody pinch me. You can read about it here :) Also, feel free to follow OUR new blog. Holy smokes. I have a blog for me and a man.... a hott man, at that. So in love, Lauren Ruth Brown (Jepsen)

Missing these gems.

My parents left for two weeks to New Zealand.

They don't vacation much. Actually, I think this is the first big trip they've taken together since they've been married. My mom was SOOOOO excited. When I called my dad the day they were leaving I asked, "Aren't you so pumped?!" His reply, "Uhhh.. not really. Traveling isn't my thing, ya know? But your mom loves it, so what the heck." Hahaha. I could tell he was definitely pumped.

Here's the kicker though... I'm not really loving the fact that they're gone. Actually I've been pretty depressed about it all day today. They've only been gone for 4 days now and I am going stir crazy. I can't wait for them to be back.. I want to fly to New Zealand, pack their bags for them, and drag them home.

Who knew I relied on my parents so much? Well... okay.. I kinda knew. But this has been lots harder than I thought it would be.

I talk to both of my parents at least once a day. The other day, I counted, and I had talked to them 5 times put together. Not for any particular reason other than I just wanted to call them.. again and again and again... I also went home to Heber the day after they left to be with my little brother. Our house was painfully empty without my dad making us quesadillas in the kitchen or my moms southern accent saying, "Lawreeen, come fix this computer."

Ugh. I miss them.

I just keep waiting for my dad to call me at 7:30 A.M. and say, "What in the world... are you JUST waking up?!!"

I love them so much. I have truly been blessed with some of the most wonderful people in the world to be my parents. They are the first people I think of calling when I ace a test or fail one, the first people I call when I have exciting news, when I get sick, when I don't know how to cook enchiladas, or when I'm just kinda sad... (mind you, ALL of those things have happened in the past 4 days).

I have checked my email at least 45 times since they've been gone.. 4 days with no letter. I was getting kinda mad.. but then I just started getting really sad. But then tonight- I finally got one!! I'm going to be completely honest and just tell you- I cried as soon as I saw "Tricia_brown1984" in my inbox. It felt like the longest awaited email of my entire life. I saw that they had just sent it, so in my feeble attempt, I wrote back instantly in hopes that they were still on and we could have an "instant messenger chat". That didn't work out. Its too bad they haven't gotten the whole swing of MSN of FB chat yet. Either way- I had been dying to hear from them. And it was absolutely the greatest feeling in the world to finally be able to.

Over the past couple years away from home, they have evolved into my very best friends.

And it's the pits when you're best friend is gone for two weeks..

P.s. the two pics of my parents with the grandbabies are my absolute favorites! And I think it's partially because I don't have any pictures of me with my parents when I was younger. But I think if I did- they would've had these priceless, loving expression on their faces back then too.. :)

[SO]. Lu-kee-e`.

Ah man. Sometimes I remember that I love this boy so incredibly much.

I'm a lucky ducK. Lucky ducky. Luckie Duckerie.

I got LUCKY.

Robins handcrafted this! He did!!

Surprise note in green that makes my day everyday :)

The boy remembers anniversaries... a keeper, no doubt.

Melts my heart.

Aleahhh Claire

Today. Today was one of those days. They come around every so often, but you know what else comes around almost ALWAYS on those days that I have one of THOSE days? A little piece of heaven. It always comes. And I feel like I'm starting to count on it...

Today I needed a happy heart to soften the heavy one that seemed to be sitting in my chest.

So I called my sister hoping I'd find some comfort. What I didn't expect was that little voice in the back ground to be the one I needed to hear from.

Rachel said to me, "Aleah has been wanting me to call you for days now to tell
you something. But I want her to tell you, so here she is..."

Let me jump back six weeks ago: Rachel had told me about a group of little girls at Aleahs school who created a club called the "Star Club". Only cool girls could be in it. (We all remember

those days. At least I do. Maybe I wasn't the coolest girl on the block in my day... ) I remembered how mean kids could be. It's not an easy life out there on the playground! So Rachel told Aleah it probably wasn't the best idea to be part of the "Star Club". And she listened. Even though they were her friends.

So I was babysitting Aleah a couple days later. I talked to her about it. And about how important it was to be nice. I asked her if she had ever seen anyone play alone at recess. She said yes. So I told her, "if you find someone playing alone at recess, I want you to go play with them. Be their friend. Boy or girl." She was a little hesitant when I said "boy", which I was secretely proud of... she's learning young- boys are baaaaad ;) . I told her that if she'd do it, I would take her anywhere she wanted to go. Just a date for the two of us.

Kids never forget what you say.

Back to present day: Aleah picked up the phone. I asked her what she wanted to tell me so badly!? In the sweetest most sincere little voice she said, "well I found a boy playing on the playground all by himself. I saw him on the swings. So I asked him if he needed a friend. And he did! So we played together the whole time on the swings!!"

Instantly remembering the promise I had made her six weeks previous, tears started streaming down my face (and no worries, I've been extremely emotional this entire week..) I was so proud of her. I also realized that she was being the friend I needed right then. A five year old.

Ahhhhhhh. I LOVE KIDS. I love how sincere their little hearts are. They mean everything they say or do. They don't do anything half-heartedly. They love and they love unconditionally. They're never too busy to listen. I'm sure they don't normally understand what you're going through, but somehow they always seem to offer the perfect sort of comfort at the perfect time. I think they would be considered one of God's little mercies. And they're SOOO adorable.

This little girl is dynamite. I've never been more excited to watch a little one grow up.

So this one's for you Aleah Claire- I love you stinkerpot.

The Ultimate Security System

(Upon Rachels request) ** Dont mind how fat Rachel looks in this picture she had a baby three weeks later. And her body was back to smokin hot within the three weeks following.

So I haven't blogged for a month now, and believe me- I think about doing it every day. I just haven't known exactly what I've wanted to say. Maybe thats because my final paper for English last semester drained my writing skills for a while.

But right now, I know exactly what I want to say.

I LOVE FAMILY.

I love that everyone has a family, I love the idea of a family, I love how no other word brings as much comfort as 'family' does, and I especially love my family..

Carson and Simone came up to Logan yesterday and stayed the night. I have never been more excited/happy about any other visitor that has come to our little house. We didn't do anything overly exciting or off the walls. We sat in my living room and played games with Christopher, Brandon, and Bailey. And that was all it took to make me excited enough to blog about it!

Sometimes I look back and regret not soaking up every minute of childhood I had with Rachel, Garrett, Carson, and Devin. Those four people have literally shaped me into who I am today, right down to every scar on my face. I wish I could go back to the days when none of us had a care in the world other than who was going to get in trouble for talking in sacrament. There's something about each one of these individuals that makes them beyond amazing.

Its a dad who will send you flowers when you've stayed up all night sobbing, a mom who stays up for hours waiting for you to call and tell her all about your night, a sister who set the absolute perfect example for the rest to follow, an older brother who can make anyone and everyone feel like a million bucks, another older brother who made the perfect best friend and advice giver through every trial life threw at me, a younger brother who is teaching me the traits that I should've taught him, and a brother and sister in-law who fit so perfectly in our clan that they feel like originals.

It is so nice to know that no matter what happens, what right or wrong decision I make, whether or not I'm successful in all my endeavors, my family wont feel one bit different about me. They're the people who know my heart inside and out, and love it. I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be part of the family that I am, but I did. They are like the ultimate security system. With them, I have no fear. And I love them.

Robinns

So.. I think it's about time I introduce a very special someone on this here bloggity of mine.

Today is his birthday! The big 24 and counting. I always tease him about being "so old". I mostly love it because it's the one thing he can't tease me back about.. He doesn't like saying I'm young. He's still in denial that I'm only 19. That's okay.

I wish I knew where to start. I could start from April 21st, the day it all began.. but that would be a killer long blog.

I will start by giving you a brief introduction:

His name is Christopher Dan Jepsen. I call him Christopher Robins.

He is 24 years old, as of today!!

He grew up in Bountiful, and graduated from Bountiful High in 2005. When I was in 8th grade... hahahhaaha.

He is the baby (spoiled? maybe) of a very wonderful family.

He served his mission in Australia... luckiest.

He is majoring in Accounting at Utah State and will be done next December.

So there are your basics. But lucky for me, I got a sweet package deal. This boy comes with so much more than your average "basic boy package". I wish I could tell you everything that makes him so absolutely wonderful, but I would take the risk of making every girl that reads this blog to fall in love with him. And truly- I don't want that. So I will just tell you a few.

Chris is one of the kindest human-beings that I have ever come across. He would doing anything for anyone, and does all the time. He was probably one of those little kids that would start crying when he saw another kid crying. He just simply cares about others. He doesn't get offended when I tease him. Actually, lets be honest, he's the first boy who has ever teased me more than I tease him. PERFECT. He is responsible. So incredibly responsible. He works hard, but he is always making time for something fun. He is the perfect example to everyone around him.

Let me finish with one of my favorite stories of Chris.. which he doesn't even know that I know. And it really isn't monumental, but every time I think of it, it gives me chills. Because it is SO him.

My best friend Ali was at the school library (where Chris works) a couple months ago and she was in line to pay for the paper she had just printed off. Chris didn't see her standing there, so she just watched from a distance. Ali said there was a girl in line who just seemed to be down. Didn't have much self-confidence, didn't seem very happy, etc.. As this girl reached the front of the line, she handed Chris her card to be swiped. He swiped it, and then with a huge grin on his face, he looked up and asked, "Is today your birthday?!?!" The girl was shocked that someone had even noticed. Ali said that this girl instantly lit up!! She was so happy!! She replied, "Yeah, it is!" "Well, happy birthday!! I hope you have a really great day!" he said.

He is the sweetest most endearing guy I know. I'm so lucky to know him. Happy 24th big guy!

You'll flip your lid.

This is one of the greatest/funniest things I have ever seen. I've been google stalking these little monsters for the past twenty minutes. And they keep getting funnier. And maybe that's because I've been in the library studying (or playing snake) for quite some time now. I may or may not be going crazy. But just. LOOK. They're hilarious. I hope they bring joy to your heart, like they did mine.

Merry Christmas.

Angora Rabbits.

*personal favorite*

Cat? Beats me..

oh sad day...

THING

I have been so terrible about blogging as of late.

You know sometimes when certain things just distract you? ALL the time? Even if they don't take up every physical moment, they take up every single thought in your head..?

Yeeeeahh. Thats me. This thing keeps changing my plans. Keeps making this "easy semester" seem so incredibly packed. How does it work? Beats me. I don't have time to think of the why, how, or when it all happened. All I have time for is that thing in itself. But this thing is making me happier than pretty much anything else has ever been able to. I make it sound complicated. When in all reality, it's easy. It's easy and perfect. And I love it.

That thing is somethin' else, I tell ya. He makes me act like a smitten, lovesick, little girl. But I'm okay with that. Very okay.

Did I say he...? I meant ..thing.

Yeah..

Cant. Quite. Reach.

So... I guess it's true. I guess I didn't lie in my English paper when I said, "I always post a blog when I'm distressed, confused, bitter, or let down". Cause here I am. Posting a blog because I realized I have a serious problem. Actually, I've definitely always known it. It isn't new news. But I finally got over the whole, "no no no, I am not in denial about my issues" thing. So this is me, admitting to world that I, Lauren Brown, always want to be where I am not. I always want what I can't have. And it's ridiculous. It's hurting me.

There are days that I live in the moment, times when I love everything around me. When I feel like my heart is bursting with gratitude, realizing that life couldn't get any better.

But there are way too many times where I want something merely because it is barely out of my reach. WHYYYYYYYY. Why am I like that? I realize that everyone says things like, "Oh, you only want to date him because he is untouchable," or "you don't even like that dress, you just think other people will". But hi- guess what? It's overrated. Because you get what you get, and you LOVE IT. Or at least you should. But how do you change your mindset to believing that? If anyone has some advice, please feel free to give it to me.

I think I will start with this. I have everything I could ever need. Not only to survive, but to make me happy. I have this family... OH man, this family. They are beyond perfect. Friends that I lalahhhuuve. And a plan. I know where I came from, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. Everything else should fall into place in its own due time, correct? Someone once made me this promise: "If you live your life accordingly to His will, even with some mistakes along the way, the blessings of heaven will be yours." I think it was the Savior. Yeah, it definitely was. And even though I've seen quite a few broken promises in my day, I haven't lost trust in Him. He is the one person that will always come through. That I can trust wont tell anyone else about all my stupid flaws and mistakes. I am grateful for that.

And that is one thing that I will always aaaalways want, even though I already have it. Go figure.

Thanks to fall,

If I could live on through anything, it would be fall. I want others to find joy in me, dream of me when I'm gone, and feel anxious about the day that we'll meet again. Those are my exact feelings toward this short, sweet season. Whenever I see or feel the first signs of fall, I can't help but add a little skip to my step. Something inside of me feels different than it does any other time of year.

Everything about fall makes me want to be in love.

Maybe it's because ever since I was little, I've pictured my wedding in the fall.

I want to hold hands down a leaf covered, cracked sidewalk.

I want someone to tuck my hair behind my ear when the wind blows it across my face.

I want to hug someone and press my cold cheek next to theirs.

I want to hear everyone sniffle as they walk into class.

I want to pull out leaves from under my windshield wipers.

I want to wear a jacket with shorts.

As much as I wish it could be fall year round, the short period of time that it's here for is somehow special every year. I can't wait to see what this year has in store. Logan town is an exceptionally BEAUTIFUL place in the fall. And campus is gorgeous. Breath-taking, actually. I knew I came here for a reason.

And how appropriate that Thanksgiving is in fall.

I give all my thanks to fall..

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

"Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath"

Back in May I posted a bloggity about Ruth. My grams. If you haven't read it-here it is. It will help you understand why she is the most wonderful lady you could've ever known. She's been gone for almost 4 months exactly now and I will just say this... something has been missing for the past four months. She was wonder woman. She is me. Or I guess the proper thing to say

is that I am her. I don't think I've truly ever experienced the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone," until recently. I took her for granted. Terribly. Every day I wonder why I didn't make the 30 minute drive down the canyon more often. Why I didn't just swing by Macey's and pick her up a coke. Why I didn't go over more often just to let her build my self-confidence. I'll tell you why. Because I was a selfish teenage girl. I was preoccupied doing stupid little things that I will never remember.

But do you want to know an extremely happy story? I lost my grams beautiful ring last year... I wore it everyday and somehow I just lost it. It was absolutely terrible. But then. I was sitting in class a couple days ago, and since of course I'm in Logan and it's always freezing, I was wearing a jacket. I was listening to my teacher and I put my hands in my pocket. Without noticing, I had somehow grabbed the ring, put it on my finger without even thinking twice about it, and when I looked down a couple minutes later- THERE IT WAS. On my finger. Just wrapped around it like it'd never left. I may or may not have screamed with excitement during my teacher's lecture. He didn't appreciate that. But who cares. Cause this was bigger than any news he'd probably ever experienced.. Okay that's probably not true, but I'm trying to prove a point. You just don't understand how completely wonderful it felt to have it back. I mean.. it's just a ring. But it's not JUSTT a ring... It's the only thing I have left of her. I was so happy about it that I managed to tell almost every single person that I interacted with that day. It hasn't left my finger since.

Sometimes I think I blog because I hope God lets whoever it's addressed to, read it. So this is for you Grams:

I'm sorry I wasn't there more. I'm sorry for all the mean things I did when I was little. I'm sorry for a lot of things. But I'm also grateful for a lot of things. Thank you for being you and giving me my personality. Thank you for thinking I was the prettiest girl in the entire world when I had zero self-confidence. Thank you for that walk through the rose garden behind your house last summer. Thank you for teaching me how to decipher between good and bad guys. Thank you for the baby dolls you gave me on my sixteenth birthday. Thank you for raising my mom. Thank you for living in Utah for your last couple years even though you hated it so bad. Thank you for ALWAYS putting a smile on my face. Thank you for loving me.

I miss you terribly but I'm sure you're just as happy as can be right now. Lucky lady.

Happy birthday sweetheart, I'll be seein you..

P.s. How much do you hate having to admit that us mormons were right? You know it now huh huh!? Hahaha love you.

LIGHT.

You are what you always imagined you could be.

To see it, all you need, is to believe it. You're already illuminated.

So burn bright, the world needs your light.

What IT Is

"Snails see the benefit, the beauty in every inch"

I love when I'm able to see past the initial simplicity of life and into the multiple layers of importance surrounding me. You could call it my drug. My runners high. My narcotic, opiate, poison, pill, hit, or fix. It's something I live to find. And guess what? It isn't aaaaactually bad for me like a drug. It's rather healthy, I think.

It's about picking apart, assessing, and learning- or not le

arning- from every teeny tiny little situation that crosses your path.

It's about laughing by yourself all the way to Logan because you just made up the sweetest dance move.

It's about formally thanking the grape salad you just made, for the wonderful memories it's about to provide.

It's about walking backwards to class because it puts a smile on your face instead of a knot in your stomach because you have a test in 5 minutes.

It's about praying in your closet instead of next to your bed just because it says something like that in your scriptures.

It's about waking up to a grasshopper shadow on your window sill that makes you laugh hysterically at 7 a.m.

It's about making up a love story in your head for every cute couple you see walking down the sidewalk.

It's about smashing a glass bowl on your kitchen floor just because you want to know what it'd feel like to live in a soap opera.

It's about giving advice to someone else that you should have taken from yourself four months ago.

It's about doing your homework in the dirt in your backyard because there's nothing to distract

you.

It's a picture of your grandma next to your alarm clock, fake grass in your room because no other color of green is quite the same, hair stuck in your carpet to remind you of all the dates you got ready for right there, saving dishes with ugly flowers on them because they remind you of being six again, squishing the stray cat between your front door and screen door to make sure it never wants to come back, ironing every pair of pants because your dad never used to let you leave the house until you did, writing thank you cards for no reason at all, watching your best friend get ready so many times that you know the exact way she poses in the mirror before leaving for school, buying a candle that smells terrible because it matches your bedspread perfectly, making a path of paper towels to walk across on your freezing tile floor, crying to your mom every time you throw up just because you want to make sure someone knows how sick you feel, growing up but staying young...

It's about the little smirk that covers your face when you feel the sunlight on your back.

It's about loving someone so much that it makes your heart ache.

Whatever IT is, it makes me so gosh dang happy.

tell me its funny...

Infection.

I dont care what Mister Robins says, sometimes ":)" 's are the only thing to describe how you feel. Are they maybe a little childish? Maaaaaybe. But they just match perfectly with the expression written across my face. Besides the fact that my face isn't sideways..

And thats exactly how I feel right now.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :( oops. :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

scaling the mount.

So I don't usually love to blog about my average, day-to-day life events. But this was a little more than average I feel, and I just have a few things that I want to write down.

Yesterday at this time (1:30 in the a.m.) me and christopher robins dear (real alias: christopher jepsen) were in my kitchen stuffing our camelbacks with almonds, snickers, and trail mix. We headed down to Days parking lot where we met up with Lauren Cole and her nice boy Spenc.

These were our happy faces BEFORE the hike. And they weren't staged. We were truly and genuinely really excited. At least I was.. as soon as we got to the parking lot just below Timpanogas, I hopped out of the car and started doing a little jig. I couldn't hold in my excitement..

So the rest of our gang showed up. Lane and her boyy Preston. Shay and Todd.

You might think, "Who hikes timp at two in the morning? Those nuttys.." But guess what? There were LOTS of nuttys up there. The parking lot was jam packed and when you looked up the face of the mountain, you could see tons of tiny little headlamps scattered all over! Quite a sight, I tell ya. People were scaling up that mount like ants!

And so our journey began. We were all trottin along like we owned that trail. Whistling, telling jokes, etc.. but within maybe the first-ish mile, the only whistling going on was through my nose. Trying to breath. And I don't even want to TALK about the second mile where I pulled my hip flexor. Tragedy.

Anyhow. We climbed and climbed. The whole time I was just thinking, "K wait. Why, Lauren? Why did this seem like such a wonderful idea an hour ago?" But I kept climbing regardless. (Mostly I just need to thank christopher. I was tripping all over the place. But every time that I almost fell off a cliff or down the mountain, he would quickly grab me, and place me back on my little feetsies. Which was probably.. oh I dunno.. every 2 minutes or so.) So eight miles, a couple protein bars, and a whole lotta IBProfens later, we made it to the top.

The view was UNREAL. Not to mention, sunrises are pretty high up on my list of favorite things:

Once the sun rose, those 8 treacherous miles suddenly seemed worth it. Not saying that I'll ever do it again. . . but let me just make this clear. I've seen a lot of beautiful things, I think. But the view up there just really hit close to home.. I've looked at that mountain ever since I can remember. It's basically been my backyard my entire life, and to be standing on top of it was SO rewarding. Especially with all of the girls I grew up with.. and a really cute boy.

So we enjoyed it for awhile with everything from pop-tarts to beef jerky, and then started our hike down. When you can actually see further than 30 feet in front of you, the panorama is breathtaking.

Uh. Whoa.

Gee whiz. Why do I ALWAYS take everything for granted? Why do I always have to wait for something like this to slap me in the face to remind me of this wonderful world? (But actually in this case I don't think it slapped me in the face.. more like my entire body. And it definitely was more than a slap.. more like a brutal beating. Yeah.. a brutal beating to my entire body. You should see me try to walk up my stairs, or even better, hop up into my jeep. It's a process.) It was incredible. Wish I could say more about it, but I really can't. All I know is that the Lord puts places as beautiful as that really far up in the mountains, so that you have to work your butt off to get there. To really appreciate it.

Do you also wanna know something that came across my mind? We passed like.. A million different wild flowers. And so whenever I saw a pretty one, I'd pick it and give it to Chris. He would then proceed to tell me whether or not it was a good smelling one. . But let's just be honest. Some wild flowers aren't very pretty. The colors are nice and vibrant, but some of them just look.. too wild for their own good.

But I vividly remember one day when I was probably 5 or 6 and I was playing in the hills behind our house. I decided to pick my mom a pretty little bouquet. Let's just say this. It wasn't pretty OR little. It was huge. And hideous. But I was proud of it. And guess who loved it? My mom. I remember it sitting in the window sill above our kitchen sink for at least a week. I mean.. it didn't even smell good and I'm pretty sure there were nasty bugs crawling out of it. But my mom loved all of us little kiddies. And she always wanted us to know it. So she let that terrible thing sit there.. for days.

I don't know how that crossed my mind, but I thought about it for at least an hour on our way down. My mom is the simple-hearted, caring, easy-going mother that you would picture when you thought of a "perfect mom". I love her.

This is Christopher amidst some of the few PRETTY wild flowers.

Anwaayyys, we finished 16 miles later. And even though we got OWNED by that mountain, it was something that I'll never forget. I can check it off the list and never ever ever do it again. So thanks to my crew for sticking it out with me. I don't think any of them really wanted to do it, but I drug them up there anyways. What a couple of good sports, huh?

Grilled Cheese or Lunchables

You can definitely say that I'm one of those girls who has "dreamt about her wedding day since she was three", or fantasized about having "the greatest love anyone's ever seen", but I think getting there is going to be a big challenge in itself.

Lately, I've had a small problem with something called trust.

I swear. Every time I fall into those stupid little things called "relationships," from day one- I beg the guy not to break my heart. Cause yeah, I'm not going to end up marrying everyone I date, but things can still end civilly, right?

Wrong.

Biggest, most monstrous WRONG you could ever even imagine.

Apparently my heart is a magnent. To the bottom of guys shoes. Not only do they step on it, but I'm pretty sure they jump on it, run it over with their 4-wheelers, chew on it, or do whatever it is exactly that guys do... beats me.

I'm not trying to whine. I'm simply trying to say, I wish my heart was the same little "3-year old wishing heart" that it used to be.

My sister and her hub went to Austria. Lucky..

They asked me to babysitt while they were gone.

So I've been with their two little girls (Aleah-5 & Kallee-3) for the past five days now.

It's so funny how little kiddies always open your eyes to the bigger things in life.

The things that they have no clue about..

Life has been so easy with them. They have nothing to worry about except which jellie shoes to wear, the daily battle between grilled cheese or lunchables, whos turn it is to say the prayer, or whether to watch Incredibles or Princess and the Frog.

And the best thing is, these little nuggets get over things in like .02 seconds after they get off the "time-out bench". They dont keep track of who tattled on them, who pinched them, or who broke their little hearts... They dont seek for revenge or hold onto grudges for days, months, or years.. They dont try to avoid things that could potentially be GREAT, just because one time it didn't work out.

They simply move on.

And that's exactly what hit me today. Just because one (or maybe five) people may have razored my heart to shreds, doesn't mean I shouldn't trust another. And another. And another. Because one of these days.. One of those "potential heart breaks" will end up being my best friend and soulmate.

Yesterday my mom said to me, "Lauren, it's better to have love and lost love, than to have never loved at all." I've heard that saying a million times before.. but I've never really thought about it until now. Growing up is all about breaking hearts and getting yours broken in return. It's about learning to see the beauty after weeks of crying over a silly boy. It's about figuring out exactly who you are and exactly what you need. It's about gaining your innocence back and dreaming the same way you did when you were 3. Its understanding that whether you picked a grilled cheese or a lunchable, the world keeps turning. It never stands still long enough for us to take back our decisions. So soak it all up. The good AND the bad.. Because even if you're afraid like me sometimes, nothing is worth missing the greatest things in life.

Rectangle Heart

Some people fit just perfectly in your heart like the shapes in that little square box you used to play with when you were a kid, ya know? The one where you had to put the right shape in the right hole? And once your 4 year old mind manages to fit them in, they get stuck, and are nearly impossible to get out without pinching your fingers off..?

I've found that some people in your life are the same way. From the time you meet them, they somehow manage to squeeze their way into your heart. Whether your heart is the kind that has teeny tiny little openings that are hard to get through, or big gaping holes that almost anyone could walk right in and out of. They find a way. Those BUGGERS.

You dont always plan on it. And that is what's so great about loving other people. You may not choose them, and the fact is that technically- they may not choose you. But either way- sometimes they get in. And you cant get them out (unless of course, you want to have two nubs for fingers the rest of your life).

Tonight I was thinking of all of the different people I know. And how much room I really had left in my heart for new-comers. And how forgiveness is a huge part of our growing experience here on earth. And even when those buggers do something to hurt your or make you mad, it's not like they instantly turn to dust, or melt into lava and just leak right out of your heart. They are there to stay.

And I'm glad for that. Because even when you're upset with someone you love- you can trust that your heart will always have a spare bedroom for them to stay in. Probably forever.

Got RESOLVE?

Last night when I was skyping with one of my wonderful friends Justin he asked me, "how much resolve do you think you have?" Let me just say this first, Justin is in dental school at UCLA, so of course I don't want to make myself look like a fool in front of him. Not having ANY IDEA what "resolve" was, I answered, "I think I have a pretty normal amount". I'm sure he could tell that I was making that up, so he proceeded to tell me exactly what resolve was, and that he'd been working on having more of it. So for all of you fellow, young, freshly graduated freshman year of college kiddies, who might not know what RESOLVE means, let me tell ya.

Resolve is following through with the things you say you'll do. Resolve is making goals and working hard until you accomplish them. Let me give you a couple examples that many of you will be able to relate with: Staying on diets until you actually lose the amount of weight that you wanted to from the beginning. Having a 4.0 your entire college career. Providing service for others. Studying for at least an hour every day. Learning how to cook at least one new meal every couple weeks for your family. Start training for a marathon. Building a shed in the backyard by the end of the summer. Getting into medical school. The list could go on forever..

But talk is cheap, and good intentions are only that- INTENTIONS.

How many times have you set a goal, and as soon as you screw it up, you completely give up on it? Having strong resolve means you push through the failures and get back on your original track. People with strong resolve are easier to trust, are more reliable, and are more successful.

So I really thought about what he told me. Am I person with a weak or strong resolve? I always find myself saying, "k, but no really- THIS time I'm gonna follow through with it". But I should never have to say that. I need to follow through with my goals the first time so I can learn from them, and move onto the next one in the book. I don't want to be working on the same goals throughout my entire life. I want to progress instead of being stuck in the same relative stage.

Besides that, how useless do you feel every time you leave a desire undone. And there's no one to blame besides yourself. And how much do you dread starting over on something that you were, at one point, half-way done with?

So starting today, I am going to start working on my resolve. And that in itself, is a goal. A goal that I want to come out on top of.

D&C 58: 27 "Verily I say men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness".

Yo Summmer,

THIS IS WHATS TRUE:


I was terrified of you. I saw you coming from a hundred miles away and I just sat and waited for you to hit like an angry tornado, ready to tear apart my life. I didn't know how I'd handle you and I didn't really know if I could. But that's the beauty of life eh? You take every thing one day at a time and sometimes, just sometimes, you realize that you love the things that you never knew you'd be able to.

• You forced me to move back in with my parents. Thank you for that. I get to wake up to breakfast every morning with my dad, I get to talk with my mom in bed every night for at least an hour, I get the pleasure of free laundry, I get the scenic view of Heber from my balcony, I get to play Halo with Devin more than I ever want to, and I get to take baths in DECENT sized bathtubs.

• I am on the road more than anywhere else. Me and my car have become great friends. I take care of her and she takes care of me. I've also fallen in love even more with John Mayer due to the amount of time he spends serenading me. August 31st couldn't come any sooner.

• I figured out that I've taken so many things for granted the past 19 years of my life. Things have changed, and my heart is one of them.

• I've met more people from Bountiful region than I think I've ever met in Heber my whole life. Okay, not really.. but seriously-so many. A few key people to name: Nicole Booth. Chris Jepsen.

• They walk you to your car. They open your door. They make sure you get home safe. They surprise visit you. They appreciate homemade cookies.They think you ARE what you're worth. They are genuine guys. They are rare and hard to find, but you helped me remember that they're out there.

• Due to the amount of time I spend alone, I am allowed quite a bit of time to ponder. It's my new middle name, Lauren PondeRuth Brown. New conclusions and goals have recently inhabited my mind. One being that I want to go on a mission. Two being that I want to go to medical school after I get my X-ray degree. Profession: still contemplating.

• I love studying. Yes, sometimes I complain. But don't let that fool you.

• I miss my friends. We're all figuring out our lives, taking different routes to get to our goals, and it the madness of it all, I barely see them. Thank goodness for vid chat, texting, facebook, and 2 hour phone calls. I love technology. I do.

• I have an income? Those words are still exciting to my little ears! It's been a whole year since I've worked. But my job now= funnest, most entertaining, beneficial job I've ever had. Things I've learned how to do: Give shots, put in an IV, draw blood, throat swabs, pelvic exams (k....not the best part of my job), blood labs, suture removal, and x-rays.

• Your sun isn't doing its job, but its alright. Because last time it did- I GOT FRIED. And I love the rain.

• Group dates are genius. Not only for the purposes of getting to know the guy, but new GIRLS! I'm soooo fetchin excited to go back up to USU and put these new friendships into motion.

All-in-all, summer: You have been an amazing growing experience, and very satisfying. Youre kinda like a piece of steak, ya know? Kinda rough, hard to get through at times, but SO worth every bit of energy I've spent on you.

And I'm sure that you have nothing but goodness left to offer to me. So I'll be here. Just waiting for your next revelation. Do your worst.

I wont.

I have this... sickness. That rolls around about every 6 months in my life. And naturally, it always decides to come around at the most inconvenient times.

Things got really tough today so my mom took me in for another treatment. As I lay in the hospital bed, I couldn't help but feel grateful. I have parents who take such good care of their children, no matter what the cost. I have friends who jump at the opportunity to help. I have a God who comforts me through trying times. I have a knowledge of things that I wouldn't trade for anything. I literally have everything I need.
And all of those things are gifts. They weren't earned, they were given.

Life is so precious. I can't stand the thought of wasting one minute of it being sad, ungrateful, upset, jealous, bitter, or regretful.

Because that is nothing but baggage, folks. And the adversary loooves to weigh us down like pack mules.


So.. I don't think I will. Actually, scratch that. I WONT.